I find that some weeks I have nothing to write, well nothing that I think is very interesting anyway… other weeks I feel fit to burst to tell people just what I think God is talking to me about. Now this change in action isn’t because I particularly feel God is only talking to me on a schedule of every few weeks but I think down to me and my capacity to share.
Some weeks I feel like sharing and some days I don’t. Now I will never be one of those people who doesn’t over share because that’s just how I was created! (Much to marks sometimes discomfort at me discussing my toilet habits!) but I also know that sometimes just being quiet and still is the best way to move forward.
Last week was a bit of a kicker for me as my results weren’t exactly what I had been hoping for. There has been some growth and it therefore means my drugs need to change. As ever this isn’t a huge blow, it’s just a setback in this thing we are battling. There are options but ultimately I am back to fighting this head on and taking the full power of authority I have been given to tell this cancer where to go in His name!
But some days it’s tiring.
For a while now I have felt this overwhelming urge to fight, to battle and to declare that this is not taking me anywhere. And whilst that is (I still believe) the best way through this there are times when I am quite frankly tired. I am strong but some days I want to rest my head and shout at the world that I don’t want to be in this situation.
I have been reminded tonight, as I sat in bed reading an incredible blog by another lady battling just as hard as me and trusting in God with all she has, that sometimes it’s ok to be honest with God. To tell him that you hate this situation, to cry and to curl up while you process how rubbish you feel with it all.
We are in a relationship with God, Warts and all, and if it was a relationship with a friend or family member we would let them see the good and the bad, the tears and the laughter, so we need to do the same with God.
Letting my guard down with God, is not the same as me saying I don’t think I’ll be healed or I don’t trust Him. It actually just brings me closer to Him, as the father that loves me and wants to take care of me. My faith deepens as I open up more to Him by not pretending that I am ok all the time.
Some times it’s ok to not be ‘fine’ that’s when I think we find our closest moments to the God that protects, holds, and comforts us.
It’s in those moments we see a beauty to our relationship with him that we have never seen before. God doesn’t want us to have a surface level relationship with Him but one that is so deep that we are refined and transformed at the end of it all. It isn’t always easy, but He will never forsake us or leave us empty handed.
Trust in Him. Lean on Him. He is a good God.